What is love roaching? Here's how to spot the toxic dating trend where someone pretends to be exclusive while secretly seeing others.
It sounds weird, right? But it’s one of the most toxic dating trends rising fast in modern hookup culture.
Here’s the short version: love roaching is when someone acts like they’re exclusive with you… while secretly dating or sleeping with multiple other people. And when you find out? They flip it — “We never said we were exclusive.”
If that sounds familiar, you’re not crazy — you were probably love-roached.
What exactly is love roaching?
It’s based on the term “roaching” — like cockroaches. You see one, and there are probably a dozen you can’t see. In dating, it refers to people who:
- Act exclusive in behaviour — daily texts, sleepovers, dates
- Give emotional intimacy and consistency
- Never actually define the relationship
- And secretly continue seeing other people the entire time
Then, when you bring it up, they say: “Well, we never said we were official.”
That’s emotional manipulation — not honesty.
Why love roaching is so emotionally damaging
Because it exploits grey zones. The space between dating and being official. You feel connected, committed, invested… while they keep options open behind your back.
You didn’t get “played.” You got misled. Intentionally.
Signs you’re being love-roached
- They avoid the “what are we?” talk at all costs
- They act super into you — but dodge commitment labels
- They're secretive about their phone, DMs, or schedule
- You sense something’s off — but can’t “prove” it
- They accuse you of being clingy when you bring up exclusivity
That last one? Classic gaslighting.
Love roaching vs. open dating — what’s the difference?
Open dating is honest. Everyone knows it’s non-exclusive. Love roaching is deception. It’s giving emotional exclusivity while secretly operating like you’re single.
Intent matters. Openness matters. And if they’re hiding other people? That’s not “just dating.” That’s betrayal by omission.
Psychology behind love roaching
It often stems from:
- Fear of commitment — but fear of being alone too
- Validation addiction — needing attention from multiple sources
- Immaturity — avoiding difficult convos about intentions
They want the comfort of a relationship without the accountability of one. That’s not love — that’s self-interest in disguise.
Internal reads to help strengthen your boundaries:
How to respond if you’ve been love-roached
First, drop the self-blame. Love roachers are calculated. They give just enough to keep you invested — without ever fully committing.
Next steps:
- Cut contact. No long explanations needed.
- Talk to someone safe — friend, therapist, even journal
- Write down what you need from your next relationship (clarity, safety, honesty)
This experience wasn’t your fault. But it’s now your responsibility to protect your peace moving forward.
How to avoid love roachers in the future
- Ask early: “Are you seeing other people right now?”
- Watch for vague answers or dismissive energy
- Trust patterns, not words
- If someone avoids labels but gives consistency, ask why
Clarity isn’t scary. It’s respectful. If they avoid it? You already have your answer.
Also check out:
Final thought: you deserve clarity
If someone wants to keep you in a “grey zone” for too long, ask yourself: who benefits from the confusion?
You deserve someone who doesn’t just show up — but is honest about where they stand. Because love roaching isn’t modern romance. It’s modern disrespect, disguised as “casual.”