When
You Have Young Children, How To Have Sex?
Children
are wonderful wonders, but they obliterate your sex life. Kids make it seem
almost impossible to ever imagine having an active sex life again, from
clinging to your side at all hours of the day to knocking on your bedroom door
at night to draining every ounce of your vitality.
But
there is reason to be optimistic! When you have young children, here's how to
have a sex life.
Communication
is essential in every relationship, but it is more so for new parents. As
parents of small children, you won't be able to have a sex life if you can't
converse about it. It's all too easy for things to go unspoken, leading to
irritation and bitterness.
Discuss
the difficulties of sustaining a sex life in a quiet, private setting. Ask each
other what you need to be comfortable with sex. As I already stated, you may
require vastly different items. One partner may want more assistance with
household tasks, while the other may desire more alone time. Anything that is a
source of concern for one of you should be a source of concern for the other.
Commiserate with each other about the issues you're having, even if you can't
come up with solutions. You'll both feel a lot better if you feel like you're
on the same team, acknowledging your complaints together.
It's
possible that you'll communicate with your children as well. You can begin
discussing the need for privacy and space with your children. You can also have
age-appropriate conversations with your children about sex.
Stay
Connected and be supportive to your partner
Even
when you have young children, being connected to your partner takes a lot of
effort. However, in order for your relationship to exist, it requires that
amount of energy and attention. Some people use sex to connect, while others
require a sense of connection in order to engage in sexual activity.
Make
it a point to schedule dating nights on a regular basis. And on your date
nights, chat about something other than your kids. Your partnership requires
some time away from the kids.
Make
it a point to hug, kiss, and caress each other throughout the day. This keeps
contact from becoming burdened as well as being delightful. Many couples have
stopped touching each other in non-sexual ways. Touch becomes increasingly
connected with sex as time goes on. You reach a point with each other where
you're scared of being touched because you can sense the agenda behind the
touch.
Put
Your Partner Before Your Chores
If
you're like most parents, you begin a desperate sprint to do all of the duties
you ignored during the day as soon as your children go to bed. You sprint
around the home for hours before collapsing tired. There isn't enough time to
be intimate.
It's
a fact of life that there will always be errands to be done. When you're a new
parent, you'll never feel like you're getting ahead. Making time for your
partner's connection and intimacy will feel better in the long term than
completing another load of laundry. As soon as your children have gone to bed,
make it a priority to spend some quality time with them. Who knows, maybe
you'll receive a burst of energy after your intercourse and feel motivated to
do the chores.
Create
Privacy
You
need to make some room for seclusion in order to keep oneself sane. Hire a
nanny or send your children to their grandparents. Work with your partner to
schedule some time apart every now and again. Also, as much as possible,
encourage your children to sleep in their own beds. Many parents are concerned
that their children may need them in the middle of the night, but the truth is
that sex is a rather straightforward act to interrupt. It's not like you'll be
utterly unavailable to your child if they suddenly need you.
Set
Yourselves up for Success
When
you have children, there are a number of practical considerations that make
having sex more difficult. You might be concerned about your child seeing you
naked or hearing the guttural noises you make when you're on the verge of
climax. However, many of these difficulties are actually relatively doable.
Cover your sounds with white noise or music. Adjust the screws on your bed
frame so that it no longer squeaks. Secure the door with a lock.
One
brief note: your issues will differ from those of your partner. You may not be
as concerned about creating a lot of noise as your partner is. That's OK. Don't
waste your time, energy, or goodwill arguing over whether or not something
"should" bother you. If something is preventing either of you from
being interested in intimacy, try together to find a solution.
Get
Creative
Sex
will not take place in the same way it did before you had children. You'll have
to be a lot more resourceful and less choosy. Here are some suggestions:
· Sex
on a schedule
· Have
intercourse at various times throughout the day.
· Take
advantage of every time you have to yourself. Are the kids going to be gone for
15 minutes? Go to your room right away.
· Experiment
with different locations. Lock yourself in the den if your youngster passed
asleep in your bedroom after a scary dream.
· Be
willing to engage in a range of sexual behaviours. Perhaps you just have the
time or energy to make out or masturbate together.
· Enlist
assistance. Make arrangements for a kid swap with family, friends, or
neighbours.
Do
What You Can
I'm
not going to sugarcoat it: your sex life will never be the same as it was
before you had children. However, with communication, effort, and patience, you
may be able to get by till your children are a little older!