How to Rekindle Your Sexual Passion After a Baby


How to Rekindle Your Sexual Passion After a Baby


Congratulations on the birth of your child! Forget about whether or not you're capable of raising a child from birth to adulthood. Is it true that you're ready to be laid again?

That may not be the most pressing concern for new parents. After all, they have a lot going on after the birth. But sex is necessary, even if it feels impossible to fathom having it again so soon after birth, both emotionally and physically.

Even if you're leaking milk, wearing adult diapers, or monitoring a howling newborn on the baby cam, you can reignite the sexual spark. This is how.

Give yourself time to adjust

Sex was undoubtedly a huge part of your routine if you were actively trying to get pregnant before you, well, got pregnant. You may have planned sack sessions around an ovulation tracker or simply tried to get it in as frequently as possible. With a baby on the way, the frequency with which you can really bang may diminish, but the practice of arranging your lovemaking may come in handy.

The first thing you should do is set aside time for yourself. We chatted with two new moms about their post-delivery experiences, one of whom is a nurse who provided helpful medical and parenting advice. They both stated that they were ordered to wait six weeks after the baby was born before allowing their partners to put anything in their vaginal areas. You must recover! You can certainly experiment without p-in-v insertion, but you may not have the time, energy, or inclination to do so. That's OK. If your partner is pushing you, express your dissatisfaction with the situation.

The most incredible rush of hormones that no one prepares you for happens right after having birth. It was like having menopause, hot flashes, and an aggressive period all at once, Lexis C., a critical care nurse with a one-year-old child, described the experience. For the following three months, my libido was non-existent. I was too fatigued to think about having sex with my spouse because I was so focused on keeping this human I had just birthed alive."

Katherine Young, a 29-year-old business owner with a two-year-old child, revealed that she and her husband returned to work a bit early than the physicians recommended.

The kid had some fluid in his lungs that he choked on several times, and we were on the verge of losing him three times in the first ten days, so sex was the last thing in my thoughts. You're also fatigued, everything is blubbery, you're aching, and your world has been turned upside down, she recalled. However, they advise waiting six weeks before having intercourse. I was healed by week four, and I couldn't wait to have that intimacy with my spouse again, so we had sex four weeks later. I felt like a celebrity. My swelling had subsided, my husband had transformed into a sultry super-dad, and I was just feeling it. I was back to my pre-baby weight—which felt small at the time after carrying a human—my swelling was gone, my husband was this sexy super-dad, and I was just feeling

But what if you're not "simply feeling it"?

Embrace your new body and feelings

Be kind to yourself. Keep in mind that your body created a human from cells. Organs shifted and reconfigured to accommodate this critter's growth. Lexis, who was surprised by how much her breasts grew after her pregnancy and chose to capitalize on this sumptuous surprise by buying some lacy underwear she and her husband could enjoy together, warned that her body will not bounce back in one week. ("They don't stay forever, and you'll miss them," she complained of her boobs that had temporarily grown larger.)

When we become mothers, our bodies, minds, priorities, and entire lives change, according to Young. It can take time to feel like yourself again, just as it took nine months of pregnancy to get you to parenthood, and you'll never be that person again. You may regain your pre-baby body or regain your pre-baby weight, but you will always be changed, and I believe that is something lovely to cherish.

According to Irene Fehr, a sex and intimacy coach who has written extensively on the subject, those changes are natural but under-discussed. "What happens to women—the bewilderment, new duties, new mental load, identity transformation, hormone changes, mommy brain, her body not being her own—to name a few—we don't normalize," she told Lifehacker. I observe women automatically disconnect from their relationships in that silence. Both people make up stories about each other's needs and desires in the stillness, which gets the relationship difficult.

Dads, pay attention because this also applies to you.

When asked what advice she had for couples whose non-birthing partners might be less interested in post-birth sex, Young stated, "If my husband can't wonder at the miracle my body just produced, I don't believe he is deserving of closeness from me."

If you're reading this because you're no longer attracted to your spouse after they've had a child, Young suggests looking inward to figure out what's actually going on. You were really into them around ten months ago, right? Is the new apathy solely physical, emotional, or a combination of both? Let's talk about it.

Temper expectations

Before their babies, Lexis and Young both said they had busy and interesting sex lives, but things obviously altered after they became pregnant. Every couple has a unique experience. For example, Lexis had no libido during her pregnancy, and Young was put off by the sensation that her unborn child was somehow "present," but she persevered because her spouse was still a rogue.

The closeness moved from being a 'us' thing to being a ‘me’ taking care of my husband' thing, she explained. Sex was definitely something to cross off my daily to-do list while pregnant.

She also mentioned that when the kid was born, she was struggling with not just physical limits and body image worries, but also mental issues. Emotional changes are very normal, and you don't have to feel guilty about them; but, once you become parents, you may not see your partner in the same light. Young had periods when she thought of her husband as an attractive "super-dad," but she also had occasions when she thought he was providing less than she was.

Life has been busier now that you have another human around all the time. She admitted that resentments had crept in. I'm the 'default' parent in my house, and I used to dislike my husband because he'd get a full night's sleep and wake up craving sex, while I'd be in the trenches, up all night, and sex would be the furthest thing from my mind. I had the impression he wasn't doing his fair share of tasks, which turned me off.

Communication is crucial in this situation. That was something Young and her husband figured out together. Communication and teamwork are essential if you're going to co-parent a child, so add sex to the list of things you need to be open and honest about.

They returned back to business after figuring out their shared parenting responsibilities, although not as regularly as they did before becoming parents.

Be honest with your relationship, Lexis agreed. If you don't assist them to understand, they won't be able to feel or grasp what you're going through. If you require assistance, seek it.

You should expect that not only will your emotions be all over the place, your body will change, and your mind will be focused on the baby and other duties, but you may never get back to your pre-baby baby-making routine.

Many women compare themselves to their "pre-baby" selves and see a sexually shattered woman. "She shoulders this load discreetly, trying to figure things out on her own," said Fehr, who added that the problem doesn't just affect heterosexual couples, but any couple in which one spouse has given birth but the other hasn't.

Her advice is similar to that of Young and Lexis: communicate. Resentment, whether it's about housework, a lack of sex, or something else, is a quiet relationship killer.

Recognize that there are probably pent-up feelings about this if you haven't spoken about it in a long, she said. There's likely bitterness from not feeling heard, understood, or important to each other for such a long time. So start the conversation from a place of understanding and compassion: We're both confused and grappling with this, and it's difficult for both of us. The important thing is to be open and curious with each other and to be vulnerable with one another.

Prioritize sex—and yourselves

Parenting is a selfless endeavor. It might even be the most selfless deed. But you know how it is with empty cups: you can't pour from them. You must still put yourself and your relationship first, live a full life, and ensure that you are in good health.

I'm not beyond scheduling a little sex if that's what you need to get back on the horse, Young remarked. Set aside 20 minutes a couple of times a week and just get to work. Endorphins are likely to improve both of your moods and help you stay happy and connected, which is the best gift you can give your child: happy connected parents.

Lexis said that ultrasound therapy helped her with her edema and suggested speaking with a doula if you're worried about anything linked to the birth or her postpartum experiences. She also recommended that changes to the way you used to have sex should not deter you. If you've never used lubricant before but discover your post-baby body is dryer than before, she recommends "getting over it" and "buying the lube!"

Make an effort not to make excuses. Keep in mind that your relationship is simply that: a partner. They love you enough to have a child with you, and no amount of physical or lifestyle modifications will change that. If and when you're ready, do whatever it takes to get back into bed.

Fehr suggested making time to reconnect with pleasure in general, rather than just sexual pleasure. She recommended having a bubble bath, going on a long stroll with nothing to do, or engaging in other self-care activities.

According to Fehr, this allows a woman to reconnect with herself and regain her foundation. It's a means of assisting her in taking charge of her life rather than serving as a vehicle for others.

Consider this for a moment: You are not merely a vehicle for others.

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