So You Found Out Your Partner Cheated on You. Now What?

"You cheated, you lied, you said you loved me," the song goes, and many people agree.

So you discovered that your love is false. What happens next? Maybe you sensed it all along, or for a long time, or maybe you had no idea—but it's here now. It also stinks.

Can you ever trust anyone again?

Can you ever stop being so irritable?

Is it possible to get over it and go on?

Infidelity's soul-crushing effects are difficult to live with, let alone live through and leave behind. Who has the authority to do so?

When someone you trust emotionally tramples you, with or without notice, you may not feel like you have much left. But you must continue to live for yourself, your children (if you have any), your family, and your future.

What are your options? What are your options?

You can separate. That appears to be the simplest and most reasonable solution for many couples. You can stay together while acting as if you're not. You can try to mend and rekindle your relationship.

None of these options appear to be easier than the others. They are all difficult.

Going your separate ways may feel like the greatest, cleanest option if you don't have children and don't have to see each other and plan and work together.

Life might get progressively problematic if you stay together yet live as if you're apart, perhaps for the sake of your children. It is, however, an option.

If you stay together and try to rekindle your relationship, you must work hard—both of you—every day to reconnect, regain your footing, and create new psychic space for yourself and each other. You must handle what occurred in a constructive manner that both (1) acknowledges the hurt caused and (2) investigates the fractures in the foundation that eventually led to the infidelity. This is most effectively accomplished with the assistance of a skilled couples therapist.

When you eventually let go of your fury, you may find yourself in a more creative and tranquil state where you may nurture yourself. And that is exactly what you require: to be nourished, to find caring individuals to assist you, and to care for yourself.

The trick is deciding what to do, and there are alternative options. You would be sensible to seek advice from good friends as well as intelligent and sympathetic others. You may join a support group or meet with a therapist or religious leader who will help you think through your options and decide what to do next.

It's simple to blow your top, boot your partner, or leave. Angry sentiments offer you the power and shield you from feeling more vulnerable and emotional feelings. Those emotions sting. Perhaps feeling vulnerable makes you feel weak, whereas rage, at least temporarily, makes you feel strong. It's an illusion, though; rage isn't a source of strength.

Whatever you do in the aftermath of infidelity, it's critical (and extremely tough, particularly at first) to gradually let go of the wrath and feel ALL of your feelings. After all, there was a moment when you felt profoundly about this person and saw a future with them. The future you envisaged does not exist. It died with the infidelity, but a new future can be born if you both commit to doing the work required to rebuild.

When you eventually let go of your fury, you may find yourself in a more creative and tranquil state where you may nurture yourself. And that is exactly what you require: to be nourished, to find caring individuals to assist you, and to care for yourself.

You may need the power of a lion at first, but then you must be patient with yourself. That, I believe, is part of what it means to mature: to be powerful and loving, compassionate, entirely true, and entirely your loving, responsible self.