HOW DO KEEP UP THE SPARK AFTER MARRIAGE?
I remember as a kid, how active and carefree I used to be. Every day seemed exciting and enthusiastic when I headed to school. It was a normal childhood; the fear of math, the eagerness to be on the school team, the adrenaline rush when your sports team wins a match, the fear of drowning in 13 feet deep-end, and the wait to get a very good from the class teacher. In all this routine, I never stopped myself from learning and falling and getting back on track. Failure was not even introduced to my little dictionary back then.
As I grew up, the urge to fit into the norms increased, and meeting expectations and standards were also needed at every step. At that moment I looked back at my childhood and wished I carried the same carefree attitude and excitement. What if I did and failed, what if I couldn't learn and lag, what if it didn't be in my favor? All of this was my awkward and Uncomfortable situation.
This had to be overcome by beginning not to be awkward and Uncomfortable in any place at first. I remember a story from my childhood where two friends are lost in a jungle and one is attacked by a wild bear. Instead of running away from the giant, he decides to lie down silently. Watching the still man lay, the bear just smells and leaves him as it is. The other friend who was watching this from the top of the tree asked how did such a miracle happen? The friend replied that instead of showing the bear how feared I was, I chose to remain calm and composed amidst the chaos. This way he just smelled and left instead of attacking.
The same situation occurs to us in our day-to-day life when we grow up and face the real world. Some people doubt our knowledge and skills and try to sink us, but instead, we should not let that negativity affect us as the ship doesn't sink because of the water around it, but it sinks because of the water that gets inside it.
I always enjoyed participating in different events which took place in school and college. The prime motive was to learn and implement from the competitors. I always tried and put in extra effort during my rehearsals but it was always less from the cutthroat competition.
This made me even more awkward and Uncomfortable while participating. I thought would even make a difference if I participated or not. At that moment, my mentor stepped in and boosted my morale. She accepted my fear and doubt and awkwardness and made sure it didn't take a toll on me. She made me understand that the discomfort was ok till it does not hamper your performance and does not stop you from participating. Like the same child who stood back after she fell, I decided to rise and there was no looking back after.
Times changed after that, the once confident and elegant girl had now turned into a part-time homemaker and part-time employee. She had to juggle between her professional and personal life, due to which she couldn’t give equal justice to both. “You are far better in analysis,” said the de jure head. I kept staring at his slightly curly hair and light brown eyes. The information took a few minutes to reach my brain (as it had become a bit panda-type in these months of the job). Was I removed from the department, was I getting a promotion, was it a dream? All these questions were humming inside my little aware brain. To be honest I was clueless. The once upon a time woman who shook the stage with her voice, who walked like a lion and acted like a king was now just carrying the baggage of office paper, pdf’, emails, and fitting inside the box.
The once upon a time woman who used to be full of life, socializing (in some matters), ready to help was now only a machine that was too emotionally drained, bruised with trust matters, and avoided more people's presence in her life. This type of change was not in one day; it was many months. Broken and building thyself back. The outer motivation was needed like water to her daily. The patriarchal society had taught her all the lessons she had to learn. The talent that she used to carry like shining armor was now resting in one corner.
“Let’s try the new analysis shit that the head has brought, let's try to be calm and listen to what others say. But why me always, was never a tech-savvy nor a veteran !!!”. it all seemed like a bad dream, which I wanted to end asap!!! I read that day’s horoscope, and it did say that “everything is in your favor beautiful !!”. what kind of in favor was this? everything was going on with ease, sometimes it did happen that my over-hyper nature was a pain but I knew deep down that things would fall in place. Sometimes my overthinking did cause an argument but deep down I knew the next morning would rise well but this time it didn’t.
FEW TIPS TO MAINTAIN SPARK IN MARRIAGE – being a workaholic person, I did not give up work and neither did make my personal space suffer due to it. I was lucky enough to receive a family and a partner who understood my passion to work and juggling. Even if at times I had to cancel a few plans, I made sure I made it up to him in one way or another. Here are a few tips that made me maintain the spark in my marriage –
· Plan a long weekend – no matter how absorbed we used to be with work and family and functions, we both made sure that we dedicated ample amount of time to each other on weekends. We had a deal to detach from phone calls, mail, and messages that were not urgent to reply to. All we used to do was recreate our dating days, go for a movie, have a great breakfast, lunch, and dinner, cook together and just chill around.
· Find ways to stay in touch – being in different jobs, and having responsibilities with different timing makes it difficult to talk daily or be there every time. Instead of a strict timetable, both can try to catch up somewhere in between their whole day. A simple WhatsApp message or Instagram reels or snap can help make the day more tolerable.
· Try to walk in the other’s shoes – the relationship is a huge task, many negative thoughts and incidents keep occurring around you and it haunts your personal space too. Instead of overreacting by not giving enough time to the partner, one should put their legs in the other side’s shoe to know the exact picture. Settling in a totally unknown city, keeping up with the job, and studying and doing everything on their own takes a lot of effort. Instead of bursting emotions and anger on the other side, showing compassion can make it a lot easier.
· Trust the time – relationships and marriages can be unbearable at times, but there is no turning back from it. Instead of losing hope and thinking negatively, one can always keep lots of patience, trust and hope that this time will also pass.
I read this quote; when life gives you lemons, make a lemonade!!! This should be applied in our daily life too, when the situation becomes awkward and uncomfortable instead of overthinking and sulking, just turn the tables and make it confident and comfortable. In the world of technology and getting everything at your fingertips, the ICHHORI website is keeping up with the needs of readers. The gender-neutral information is creating a space for gender equality addressing women's issues, spreading awareness about certain diseases, likes and dislikes of women, etc. It’s creating a platform where a naïve can also get proper and correct information.