Stop Gaslighting Yourself and Call It What It Is

ichhori team

Stop Gaslighting Yourself and Call It What It Is

Gaslighting isn’t just something other people do. Many of us unknowingly gaslight ourselves: we downplay pain, dismiss instincts, and rewrite reality to make it easier for others. If you often say, “It wasn’t a big deal,” “I’m overreacting,” or “Maybe it’s my fault,” this guide will help you name the pattern, trust your feelings again, and rebuild self-respect.

What Is Self-Gaslighting?

Self-gaslighting is when you internalise doubt and speak to yourself the way a gaslighter would: questioning your memory, belittling your emotions, and changing the story to avoid conflict. It often grows from people-pleasing, perfectionism, or long exposure to minimising environments.

Common Signs You’re Gaslighting Yourself

  • Minimising: “It wasn’t that bad,” right after crying or shaking.
  • Blame shifting: You apologise for someone else’s repeated disrespect.
  • Memory doubt: You re-edit events to make the other person look reasonable.
  • Emotion shaming: You call yourself “dramatic” for having needs.
  • Rules for you, exceptions for them: You hold yourself to standards you won’t request of others.

Why We Learn to Do This

Conflict avoidance: You smooth things over to keep the peace and avoid rejection.
Attachment patterns: If care felt conditional, you may shrink feelings to stay “acceptable.”
Comparison culture: “Others have it worse” becomes a reason to deny your own pain.
Perfectionism: If you’re not flawless, you assume you’re at fault.

Self-Validation Cheatsheet

  • “My reaction is understandable.”
  • “Both things can be true.”
  • “I don’t need a perfect reason to set a boundary.”
  • “If I were my friend, what would I advise?”

Boundary Scripts You Can Use Today

  • Time: “I can talk for 15 minutes now or tomorrow afternoon.”
  • Respect: “I won’t continue this conversation if I’m interrupted.”
  • Plans: “Please confirm by 7 pm; otherwise I’ll assume it’s off.”
  • Digital: “I’m muting notifications after 9 pm; I’ll reply tomorrow.”

Rebuild Trust with Yourself (Weekly Plan)

Mon: 5-minute body scan; name sensations.
Wed: Journal one moment you minimised yourself → rewrite with validation.
Fri: Choose one boundary to honour; record outcome.
Sun: List 5 ways you showed up for you this week.

Spot the Cognitive Distortion

  • All-or-nothing: “If I’m not perfect, I’m the problem.” → Grayscale it.
  • Mind reading: “They’ll think I’m needy.” → You don’t actually know.
  • Emotional reasoning: “I feel guilty, so I must be wrong.” → Guilt ≠ guiltiness.
  • Discounting positives: Ignoring compliments, remembering only critiques.

Micro-Practices That Add Up

  • Say out loud once a day: “What I felt was real.”
  • Screenshot messages that validate your version of events—keep a reality folder.
  • Replace “It’s fine” with one truth: “I’m tired,” “That hurt,” or “I need time.”

Final Word

Calling something by its real name is the beginning of healing. When you stop gaslighting yourself, you stop abandoning yourself. That shift—tiny at first—compounds into calmer choices, clearer boundaries, and relationships that feel safe. Your feelings are not the enemy; they’re the map.

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