Stop Apologising for Caring Too Much
Being warm isn’t “too much.” What hurts is overfunctioning—doing more than your share, guessing needs, and calling it love. You don’t need to harden; you need edges. Keep your softness; add structure.
Caring vs. Caretaking
- Caring: I notice, I ask, I support within my limits.
- Caretaking: I predict, I fix, I absorb consequences, I burn out.
Why We Overfunction
- Childhood roles: the fixer, the peacekeeper, the responsible one.
- Fear: “If I stop, they’ll leave.”
- Confusion: kindness means rescuing (it doesn’t).
The Reciprocity Rule
Healthy bonds feel like a dance, not a drag. Look for:
- Initiation: who reaches out, plans, follows up?
- Repair: can both apologise and adjust?
- Resource: do both make time/space when the other struggles?
Scripts That Save Energy
- “Do you want comfort or a plan?” (ask before fixing)
- “I can help with X today; I can’t do Y.”
- “I need you to initiate plans this week if you want to see me.”
- “I’m stepping back from guessing. Tell me what you prefer.”
Stop Managing, Start Mirroring
For two weeks, mirror their effort. If they text daily, reply daily. If they rarely initiate, stop dragging the dance. Watch what remains without your pushing—that’s the real relationship.
Emotional Boundaries (Feeling ≠ Fact ≠ Fix)
- Feeling: “I’m anxious.” (yours)
- Fact: “They haven’t replied in 24 hours.” (neutral)
- Fix: “I’ll do my plans; they can contact me.” (action)
Caselets
- The planner: stopped booking everything. Friends stepped up—or drifted. Clarity, finally.
- The texter: paused good-morning paragraphs. Partner began sending check-ins first.
- The fixer: switched to “comfort or plan?” Conflicts got shorter, repairs faster.
14-Day Care Without Carrying Plan
- Days 1–3: track your automatic “let me handle it” moments.
- Days 4–6: try the ask-before-help script; shrink your help to what was requested.
- Days 7–10: mirror effort; no double-texting; fill your week with your life.
- Days 11–14: talk standards: “I need consistency. Can you meet me here?” Decide accordingly.
Final Thoughts
Your caring is not the problem; your leaking is. Seal the edges, keep the warmth, and let reciprocity do its job.
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