When
Your Nudes Leak, Here's How to Regain Control?
Isn't
it thrilling to take fire nudes? Sending and receiving them is both thrilling
and exhilarating. It's all in good fun... Until it isn't occasionally.
If
you've ever sexted, you're well aware that there are highs and lows,
particularly when you stop chatting to the person on the other end of the line.
Your ex-boyfriends and Tinder matches still have those photographs, and knowing
that they're on someone else's phone and potentially available for distribution
to individuals you didn't allow can be stressful.
If
your nudes have been shared or leaked, or if you're just frightened of it
happening, here's how to reclaim control.
Even
though a leak is no less devastating, it is no less of a career or social death
sentence than it was in the past.
Make
contact with the person who owns them.
If
it's safe, contact the original recipient of those images and politely request
that they delete any hot shots they may still have, even if it's been years.
They'll probably say it's no problem if your separation was amicable and
they're not a spiteful live wire prone to acts of cruelty. Use your discretion
here. Don't call them up and remind them they have possibly humiliating images
someplace deep in their inbox if they are still suffering from getting dumped
or otherwise displayed signs of revenge-seeking.
Set
some ground rules with possible sexting partners going ahead to avoid reliving
this stressful cycle. Obviously, you never anticipate someone you're conversing
with to turn on you, but you should always expect them to remove everything you
communicate. Make a promise to them that you'll erase anything you acquire from
them, and make sure you keep it.
It's
preferable to know if yours are out there, but it's not the end of the world if
they are. You're not by yourself.
Try
to think practically
Don't
get caught up in a worry about whether or not someone is spreading around
photographs of your intimate regions without your knowledge. Everyone has an
ex. They're all kompromat candidates. That's how it is. Your images, like
everyone else's, are on the internet. Unless they specify differently, the
chances of someone indiscriminately selling them are slim. Who, after all, has
the time?
You
can also remind yourself of this improbability and arm yourself with concrete
information on whether your worst-case scenario is coming true in a few ways.
Search your own photographs on a reverse-image lookup service like TinEye to
see if they've been uploaded on a message board, for example.
The
truth is that knowing they've been uploaded will hurt a lot more than knowing
they've been posted. Nudes are, after all, the great equaliser; since the
introduction of digital cameras and smartphones, everyone has one, so this
isn't new. Even though a leak is no less devastating, it is no less of a career
or social death sentence than it was in the past. Vanessa Williams' Miss
America title was revoked in the past due to naked photos. Jennifer Lawrence
refused to apologise after hers was discovered on the internet in the future.
It's preferable to know if yours are out there, but it's not the end of the
world if they are. You're not by yourself.
Want
to reduce your anxiety even further? For a while, turn off your social media.
Danielle,
a Minnesota woman, told Lifehacker how her "emotional romance" with a
married man came to an end after his wife discovered her nudes in his DMs and
threatened him with divorce.
She
looked at my Instagram stories and tried adding me to her personal page, then
her fitness page, and finally her business page, Danielle, who maintains a
private account that requires her to confirm follow requests, explained. I
locked down my Instagram, removed everything out of my profile, and changed my
profile photo to something generic, she added, to prevent her understandably
enraged hubby from learning her personal information.
Danielle's
"full-on fear" at the possibility that her digital lover's real-life
wife may be able to identify and contact her real-life spouse was quelled by
those acts. Since de-personalizing her social media, she's been calmer and more
in control. Still, her worries took "a few weeks" to dissipate, so
don't anticipate immediate benefits.
Centre
yourself
If
someone does post your private images, keep in mind that it speaks a lot more
about their character than it does about your physical appearance.
This
happened to Janely Martinez, a Utah native, a few years ago. Martinez waited a
long time to date again after she and her four-year boyfriend decided they
didn't want to be married and broke up. They eventually found a new boyfriend
and happiness with him, but their ex was not pleased. Long after they'd
forgotten he had them, he continued emailing Martinez their own nudes as a
taunt.
He
was also sending images that they hadn't sent him in the first place. Martinez
concluded, but never proved, that he still had their iCloud password and was
logging in, taking more current nudes and holding them over their heads.
In
this situation, anyone would understandably lose their mind. Martinez took some
time to regain their footing, but this is how they did it: "I remember
there are so many parts of me that he never knew and will never know."
He's a damaged individual who will never receive the help he requires. I gave a
person who only knew how to ruin and control things and people unconditional
affection. I am happily married, medicated, and in regular counselling since
leaving him. To be honest, I'm proud of my body, and I'm not responsible for
other people's mixed views about me. It's not my concern."
It
will take some time for you to realise that this isn't your business,
especially if someone is circulating your images and therefore making them
other people's business, but keep in mind that you did nothing wrong. It is the
distributor that is at fault, not you.
Know
your legal rights and consult an attorney if necessary.
You
may have read this far in the hope that your worry of being distributed is
unjustified and that it will never happen to you. I wish you the same luck.
You've
been a victim of "revenge porn" if you see your nudes online or if someone
alerts you that they're being passed about.
Although
each state has its unique set of regulations, you'll be happy to find that
there are protections in place for revenge porn victims. Start here: The Cyber
Civil Rights Initiative outlines state legislation before providing information
on how to request that images be removed from various websites, which you have
the right to do.
Look
out for the specific legislation in your state, then consider going to the
police station and submitting a report. Even attorneys that specialise in
revenge porn exist. Look up which ones are near you on Google.
According
to Carrie Goldberg, founder of C.A. Goldberg, a PLLC victims' rights law firm,
an experienced lawyer can assist with obtaining a restraining or protective
order through family court, as well as intervening with a school and/or
employer if online content affects the victim's schooling, employment, or
employability. "When a crime involves harassment, underage material,
unlawful surveillance, extortion, or any other offence, we can help advocate
for you with law enforcement." We can even file lawsuits against the
offender."
She
continued, Cease and desist letters, content removal under the Digital
Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), motions against online service providers to
de-anonymize user identities, and subpoenas to confirm a suspect's identity via
social media sites, website hosts, and/or IP addresses are some of the legal
tools available.
In
a nutshell, you have legal choices.
However,
whether it's over fear and catastrophizing, or a real-world distribution of
your private photographs, this how-to is about reclaiming control. You're the
boss. You have complete freedom. No one is forcing you to go to the police
station or do anything else you don't want to do, but it's critical that you
understand your options.
Martinez
remarked, "I didn't understand I could do something about it all those
years ago." Even now, they are satisfied with their decision not to report
it. If you believe that telling a cop or lawyer the information will only make
things worse, you must first understand your motivations.
Do
what feels right to you, but keep in mind that you did nothing wrong and that
whatever decision you make is the right one.