In a new relationship, when should you show your 'gross' side?


In a new relationship, when should you show your 'gross' side?


When you go on a first date, you want to put your best foot forward. You're clean, well-groomed, and dressed nicely, and you have every right to be doing all of these things and more. But what if that date, and the following ones, go well? You'll be in a relationship before you realize it, and you'll be wondering when—or even if—you can break out the sweatpants and show your boo your schlubbier side.

Do it as soon as possible. No, seriously. This is why.

Keeping up an act is hard work

Let's be honest right away: some people will go to tremendous efforts to hide the fact that they fart and poop in front of their spouses. Do not follow in their footsteps.

I've known women who said that if their spouses knew they farted, the "romance" in their relationship would end. This is ridiculous. Your lover is well aware that you fart. Running to the bathroom and turning the faucet on full blast will not prevent people from recognising that you are a human being with a body that generates gas, but it will make you appear a little out of sorts and completely tyre you.

The same may be said for sticking to a strict primping schedule. Have you seen The Marvelous Mrs Maisel before? In the first season, there is a scene in which the titular woman gets up before her husband, sneaks to the bathroom, dolls up for the day, and returns to bed so that she is picture-perfect when he wakes up and he never has to see her without makeup. Doesn't that sound excruciating? While a fictitious show may carry this to its logical conclusion, in real life, you may still feel the need to appear presentable at all times in order to be accepted. This should not be the case; your partner should treat you the same way they treat you throughout the day, even if you're wearing hair curlers or using an acne spot treatment.

It's never easy to keep the genuine version of yourself hidden.

Taking care not to rip ass in front of others or always wearing nice attire may appear harmless enough. You can excuse your actions by claiming that you don't wish to be unpleasant. In fact, you can rationalise a lot of things this way, and tiny add-ons can quickly add up. If you're not sexually fulfilled, for example, you might not want to bring that up. Remove these thoughts right now; relationships are about transparency and honesty, and letting the other person see your face without concealer in all its broken-out splendour is just as indicative of openness as your desire to talk to them about serious issues.

What else aren't you telling them right now for fear of them seeing you as filthy, yucky, ordinary—whatever it is? If you want your spouse to think you never poop and never fart, then what else aren't you telling them right now for fear of them seeing you as disgusting, gross Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and sex and intimacy therapist, was asked this question. It's usually more than just farting.

She believes that in relationships, sincerity is always preferable to this immaculate act that people attempt to put on. If you find yourself trying to hide the less sophisticated aspects of who you are, catch yourself before you start hiding greater issues, such as concerns about the relationship's direction or your genuine emotions.

If you never let your partner hear your boisterous laugh, see you in your comfy clothes, or know that something is not sitting right with you in the partnership, you’re not giving them a chance to love the real you or work with you on anything. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to them.

The truth will be revealed—and there may be repercussions.

The idea that you should always be faultless, courteous, and inoffensive to your partner is heavily promoted in movies and media. (To be clear, if that's your thing, go ahead and do it; but, it's for you, not necessarily for them.) Will Smith's character on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air laments that he isn't convinced his girlfriend's body "is hers" after she takes off her coloured contacts, hair extensions, and press-on nails. Although his remark is uncool and misogynistic, the fear of provoking one similar from a partner is real.

In a relationship, if you go to tremendous pains to hide the natural, human sides of yourself, your spouse may not only be surprised when they see you in a casual moment, but they may suspect you of being deceptive.

If you're putting up a fake self, it's only a matter of time before the other person sees what's underlying, and at that point, you've effectively been lying to the person since the beginning, she added. It frequently has a detrimental effect on the relationship.

While many individuals do this in a little way, she pointed out that if you take it to the extreme and, for example, never let anyone see you without makeup, you're creating a sort of false reality. Some dating advice Bisbey has heard amounts to, let them love you before you let them see those things. That is terrible advice, she said. After all, the other person is falling in love with a piece of you that is, at best, a sliver of the overall tapestry of who you are, and, at worst, a complete fabrication.

Do not fear rejection for being real

Maybe you're stepping up your self-care routine to ensure your new partner sees you at your best. Perhaps you're committing to giving the impression that you're continuously working, striving, and achieving goals in order for others to believe you're successful. You may be concerned that if they see you looking less-than-perfect or reclining on a quiet day, they will lose interest in you because that isn't what they're used to.

First and foremost, that is most likely not the case. I got a press release the other day about a survey of 1,000 Americans that revealed that 53% of people wouldn't mind if their partner wore underwear with holes in them. It's oddly specific—and was done to advertise an underwear brand—but it's also reassuring. You don't have to be so cautious because your partner probably doesn't mind if you're a slob at times.

They might, however, be interested. Bisbey has a question for you if they do: Do you really desire that partner?

What are you doing with someone who isn't going to accept all of you? she continued.

If your partner expects you to look a certain way all of the time, even when you're just sitting around at home, or if they recoil when you even burp in bed, they're probably not the one for you. When you're performing a face mask in your bathrobe, people should like you just as much as when you're dressed up for a night out. That's genuineness and authenticity; pushing you to put on airs is manipulative and unfair.

Find a middle ground.

Early on in the relationship, you should embrace your "gross" side so that genuineness and openness may guide you both along. On a lazy weekend, put on your most formless old leggings. Inquire with your partner if you have snot in your nose. Sleep with your retainer in place. You should be with someone who loves you regardless of who you are, so be yourself.

Just don't become too relaxed. No, you shouldn't dress up and be self-conscious all the time for them, but you should be clean and courteous—for both of you.

It's wonderful when someone goes out of their way for you, Bisbey added. One of the things I notice after people decide to live together is that they cease putting forth effort.

She stated you may and should let your defences down completely, but not to the point where the other person thinks you don't care if they feel special. Maintain some self-care. Make time for the gym, waxing appointments, and showers—whatever it takes to keep your confidence high. You'll be happier if you feel good about yourself, and your spouse will appreciate it if you take care of yourself while encouraging them to do the same. Everyone benefits.

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