Date Wisely, Not Hard


Date Wisely, Not Hard


When I started seeking my soul mate seriously, my perception of Jewish dating became slightly distorted. I had never seen Fiddler on the Roof, so I wasn't familiar with the tune "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match." I didn't believe that anyone else—let alone God—would be very important to my achievement. All of it fell on me.

Making small talk with someone of the other gender at a Jewish singles gathering at a synagogue or other nearby location seemed more like a duty than a social activity when it came to dating.

As a single 20-something in Los Angeles, I networked, put myself out there, and attended hip singles events, only to find myself in one disastrous relationship after another and be continually startled by the results.

I tried to comfort myself for a while by telling myself that each terrible dating experience was somehow instructive and would prevent me from making the same mistakes again. This works for a time. Then it grew old and I became aware that I was not growing older. I realized I needed to learn how to date, so I made that decision.

After all, why go on dates?

After giving it a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that dating was not for me to make up for my lack of a social life or to combat my loneliness. In the end, it was for marriage.

Saying this aloud, or rather mumbling it to myself, made me reflect on why I kept dating men who weren't marriage material (for me). In my opinion, dating still entailed only showing up and waiting for something to click. I believed that I would just prevail over everyone with who I believed to be on par.

I made the decision that I needed to learn how to make the most of my time and lessen my suffering if I were serious about courting for marriage.

I grew increasingly intrigued by Judaism's perspectives on dating. I discovered that while dating for marriage, there are three key factors to take into account: attraction, character attributes, and shared life goals. The last two things had never crossed my mind previously, but after some reflection, I came to the conclusion that I had been wasting a lot of time without them.

I immediately discovered that there is a lot more to say about dating out of need. With this new knowledge, I altered the manner I started dating, which had a significant influence on my life.

I found that when people are dating with the intention of getting married, they do not want to waste time or pay attention to unimportant details. Even yet, it was challenging for me to decide what to emphasize and what to consider less significant while assessing a potential life mate. I stayed on course by concentrating on these three key ideas:


Even though it seems simple, I want to underline how crucial attraction is. To marry someone, you must be attracted to them on all levels—physically, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, and intellectually. Even if "Matchmaker, Matchmaker..." matches you with someone who is attractive on paper, getting married should only be considered if you are ecstatic about the prospect of spending the rest of your life with that person.

The idea of attraction can have varied meanings to different people, it is crucial to note. Unfortunately, our subconscious is heavily influenced by the media in terms of who and what we find beautiful and to what extent. After a few dates, if you have to convince yourself that you could tolerate it if the person held your hand but you feel that this would be a kind gesture on your part, you don't need another date as a confirmation. Although it can take time to develop or know if there is a basic level of attraction. Be kind and bid farewell.

Personality traits

Assuming that there is an attraction between the two people, character traits become the next important focus. Character qualities are not the same as a personality when I use the term. Even if they appear lovely on the outside, not everyone is decent on the inside. Observing how someone treats children, animals, and those who work for them, such as waiters, salespeople, or cab drivers, is a good method to judge their character.

I once went out for drinks on a date. Although the service was a little slow and the establishment wasn't really busy, I didn't think it was a significant concern. I was quite embarrassed for both of us when my companion treated the waiter in such a seriously nasty manner. It made no difference that my date had given me roses. I just recall one thing about that date—he was extremely harsh to the waitress. It is simple to put on one's best behavior while attempting to impress someone, but paying attention to how someone behaves in less prominent situations can reveal a lot about their character.

Typical Life Goals

It can be a mistake to continue a relationship because "She's simply so nice" or "We have such fantastic chemistry," among other things. However, you are wasting your time if she doesn't want to be friends with your children from a previous marriage or if your "chemistry partner" has stated out loud that he is not interested in getting married.

It is essential for a potential spouse to share similar life objectives. Lifestyles are frequently confused with life goals. Two persons who adore tennis share a desire for a similar way of life. However, if those same two people cannot agree on whether or not to have children, they most certainly cannot agree on an essential life objective.

Marrying someone based solely on their potential or the person you hope they will become is a typical error to avoid. Don't get married believing your spouse would change if they have a drug addiction, a bad temper, a lack of financial constraint, etc. but are otherwise "ideal" for you. Regarding who you are and the life you want, you must be honest. As a result, you must be honest with the people you date and the direction of your relationship.

I had the tools I needed to obtain the clarity I needed to recognize my husband because I had taken the time to research dating over the years. I came up with the acronym DATE, which enabled me to maintain my concentration throughout my search:

Define Life Objectives

Assess Attraction Level

Try it (3 Dates). Move on if you don't like it!

Evaluate Character Strength

·       Define life objectives- To determine if you and a possible spouse share similar life goals, you must be aware of your own.

·       Assess Attraction Level- Being attracted is like getting God's approval. It is essentially impossible to forge a meaningful relationship without it.

·       Try it- Even if someone is pleasant, you shouldn't continue dating them if it is obvious that there is no hope for the relationship.

·       Evaluate Character Strength- We're all working to become our best selves. There is no making up for serious offenses in this area; it is a lifelong journey.


Having a list before you go shopping is a good idea. You are less likely to return home with a cartload of donuts, soda, smokes, and grocery store tabloids if healthy food options and other household necessities are on your shopping list, isn't that, right? However, a lot of folks I've spoken to in the dating scene (both former and current participants) have indicated a strong aversion to lists. Sometimes you might disqualify a wonderful person for a less important cause. Is it wise to write off this incredibly great person you just met at the outset just because they only have nine of the ten qualities you consider essential in a spouse?

You might have strong feelings about getting married to a baseball enthusiast. The word "Red Sox" can be mistaken for a typo by your soul mate. Is it still worthwhile to pass them up for a second date if they respect you and your passion of baseball? By adhering to a straightforward but inflexible rule, you may be able to concentrate on real, complex attraction and judge whether or not someone is a good match as a life mate.

If, after a few dates, the attraction is not increasing, you discover that you have different life goals, and you are unsure that you will bring out the best in that person, gently end the relationship and be grateful for the clarity. Although ending a relationship is never easy, it is preferable to do it after three dates than after three children.

Although I would never choose to return to the frequently perilous route of single life, the clarity I obtained while discovering more efficient dating techniques ultimately helped me walk down the aisle to my spouse. Consider your goals in life and the ideal companion with whom to share them. Avoid getting sidetracked and manage your time well. In other words, date wisely rather than foolishly, and may your journey be quick and enjoyable!

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