How
Much Sex Do You 'Should' Have?
Sexual
frequency elicits stress about keeping up with the Joneses like nothing else.
We all appear to be obsessed with getting the "perfect" amount of
sex. Maintaining an active sex life on top of everything else we have going on
in our lives can feel daunting, especially in the midst of a stressful pandemic
that gives us plenty of reasons to avoid other people, so many of us try to
comfort ourselves by clinging to concrete things like numbers.
The
truth is that no single figure will work for all couples. I've worked with
couples who believed sex every day was too little, and couples who thought sex
once a month was too much as a sex therapist. People and relationships are
simply different.
Nonetheless,
you may discover what frequency works best for your relationship. This is how.
Forget
about the “honeymoon phase”
Let's
get one thing out of the way right away: the sexual frequency you maintain at
the start of your relationship (the "honeymoon phase") isn't usually
sustainable. You don't have to deal with the issues and baggage that come with
a long-term relationship while you're in a new relationship. Don't make the
early months your aim unless sex is extremely important to both of you and
you're both committed to putting up a lot of effort. A more reasonable level is
around half of the initial frequency.
But
think about other relationship stages
Looking
back on your (post-honeymoon) relationship history can be beneficial,
especially if you're in a long-term relationship. Even within an ongoing
relationship, our sexual lives naturally ebb and flow, so you're certain to
identify high and low times when you look back. When in your relationship's
chronology were you and your partner the happiest with your sex life? Are there
any specific aspects of your sex life at the time that you recall? For
instance, perhaps you used to have regular Friday night sex encounters or spent
most Sunday mornings in bed. Calling these times when you both felt good about
how much sex you were having will help you come up with more realistic goals.
Expand
your definition of sex
Many
couples, particularly heterosexual couples, fall into the trap of treating sex
and intercourse as equivalent concepts. People in same-sex or otherwise queer
partnerships tend to have more expansive notions of sex. Which group
consistently reports higher levels of sexual satisfaction?
If
you only think about sex as intercourse, your sex life will quickly become
uninteresting and routine. Fortunately, there are other alternatives. Teasing,
daydreaming, roleplaying, sensation play, and other behaviours are all
considered sex. Sex becomes much more enticing and gratifying when there are
more options available.
Focus
on quality over quantity
Sex
for the express purpose of meeting a quota is rarely pleasurable. Unless
meeting a quota is an exciting component of your sexual roleplaying, I
recommend focusing on quality rather than a number. When couples have sex that
is enjoyable for both of them, a comfortable frequency comes organically, in my
experience.
Take
a moment to recall your favourite sexual experiences with your spouse. To you,
what does excellent sex entail? Is it the same as having orgasms? Do you have a
strong emotional connection? Are you going through a sex position book? There's
a lot to discuss here, so pick 3-5 attributes that matter to you and share them
with your spouse.
Respect
each other’s needs
People
frequently inquire about sexual compatibility, but the truth is that you will
never find a mate with whom you are completely compatible sexually. Who's to
say you'll want sex on Tuesday at 8 p.m. and Friday at 11 p.m., even if you both
mysteriously understood you needed sex twice a week to be perfectly happy?
Every relationship will have to negotiate variances in sexual desires.
Couples
are happiest, in my experience, when they each believe their needs are
significant to the other. This isn't about caving in to your partner's every
whim; it's about listening to what they want, acknowledging that you respect
their needs, and doing your best to work together as a team.
If
your partner's degree of desire is lower than yours, you may find yourself
masturbating more frequently. It could also mean making an attempt to assist
your spouse in overcoming obstacles to their desire (for instance, helping them
have some alone time every once in a while, or shouldering some of the responsibilities).
If
your spouse has a higher level of desire than you, you may need to be receptive
to becoming intimate even if you aren't quite ready. This is where the
broadened definition of sex comes into play. You may not be open to
intercourse, but you might be open to grabbing your partner's hand or talking
dirty to them while they masturbate.
Make
the effort more frequently than you feel the desire
To
be honest, most of us don't prioritise sex as much as we claim to. We're
occupied. We're exhausted. We're completely overwhelmed. (This is especially
true now.) It's simple to put sex on the back burner.
As
committed as I am to assisting my clients in accepting and honouring themselves
exactly as they are, I also believe that sex involves active, continual effort.
It may be necessary to try to get in the mood even if you are sleepy or lazy.
Making an effort is an important aspect of demonstrating to our partners that
we value them and their demands (as well as respecting ourselves and our
needs).
It's
also worth remembering that most people don't get the urge to have sex until
they've already started doing something physical. Many of my customers tell me
that they don't realise how much fun they had until the sex is ended. I forgot
how much I enjoy sex. My advice is to try to engage in some form of physical
contact at least twice as often as you want to have sex. If you find yourself
in the mood, have some sex with your spouse! Even if you don't, having more
touch in your relationship is beneficial.
The
main line is that the work you and your partner are prepared to put forth to
open yourselves to physical intimacy is far more essential than the number of
times you have sex in a given week, month, or year. Having sex three times a
week, every week isn't guaranteed to make you happy or sexually fulfilled. What
makes you happy is knowing that your partner understands your requirements and
that you're working together as a team to reach a happy medium?