How Much Sex Do You 'Should' Have?


How Much Sex Do You 'Should' Have?

how much sex should we do ichhori_Webp

Sexual frequency elicits stress about keeping up with the Joneses like nothing else. We all appear to be obsessed with getting the "perfect" amount of sex. Maintaining an active sex life on top of everything else we have going on in our lives can feel daunting, especially in the midst of a stressful pandemic that gives us plenty of reasons to avoid other people, so many of us try to comfort ourselves by clinging to concrete things like numbers.

The truth is that no single figure will work for all couples. I've worked with couples who believed sex every day was too little, and couples who thought sex once a month was too much as a sex therapist. People and relationships are simply different.

Nonetheless, you may discover what frequency works best for your relationship. This is how.

Forget about the “honeymoon phase”

Let's get one thing out of the way right away: the sexual frequency you maintain at the start of your relationship (the "honeymoon phase") isn't usually sustainable. You don't have to deal with the issues and baggage that come with a long-term relationship while you're in a new relationship. Don't make the early months your aim unless sex is extremely important to both of you and you're both committed to putting up a lot of effort. A more reasonable level is around half of the initial frequency.

But think about other relationship stages

Looking back on your (post-honeymoon) relationship history can be beneficial, especially if you're in a long-term relationship. Even within an ongoing relationship, our sexual lives naturally ebb and flow, so you're certain to identify high and low times when you look back. When in your relationship's chronology were you and your partner the happiest with your sex life? Are there any specific aspects of your sex life at the time that you recall? For instance, perhaps you used to have regular Friday night sex encounters or spent most Sunday mornings in bed. Calling these times when you both felt good about how much sex you were having will help you come up with more realistic goals.

Expand your definition of sex

Many couples, particularly heterosexual couples, fall into the trap of treating sex and intercourse as equivalent concepts. People in same-sex or otherwise queer partnerships tend to have more expansive notions of sex. Which group consistently reports higher levels of sexual satisfaction?

If you only think about sex as intercourse, your sex life will quickly become uninteresting and routine. Fortunately, there are other alternatives. Teasing, daydreaming, roleplaying, sensation play, and other behaviours are all considered sex. Sex becomes much more enticing and gratifying when there are more options available.

Focus on quality over quantity

Sex for the express purpose of meeting a quota is rarely pleasurable. Unless meeting a quota is an exciting component of your sexual roleplaying, I recommend focusing on quality rather than a number. When couples have sex that is enjoyable for both of them, a comfortable frequency comes organically, in my experience.

Take a moment to recall your favourite sexual experiences with your spouse. To you, what does excellent sex entail? Is it the same as having orgasms? Do you have a strong emotional connection? Are you going through a sex position book? There's a lot to discuss here, so pick 3-5 attributes that matter to you and share them with your spouse.

Respect each other’s needs

People frequently inquire about sexual compatibility, but the truth is that you will never find a mate with whom you are completely compatible sexually. Who's to say you'll want sex on Tuesday at 8 p.m. and Friday at 11 p.m., even if you both mysteriously understood you needed sex twice a week to be perfectly happy? Every relationship will have to negotiate variances in sexual desires.

Couples are happiest, in my experience, when they each believe their needs are significant to the other. This isn't about caving in to your partner's every whim; it's about listening to what they want, acknowledging that you respect their needs, and doing your best to work together as a team.

If your partner's degree of desire is lower than yours, you may find yourself masturbating more frequently. It could also mean making an attempt to assist your spouse in overcoming obstacles to their desire (for instance, helping them have some alone time every once in a while, or shouldering some of the responsibilities).

If your spouse has a higher level of desire than you, you may need to be receptive to becoming intimate even if you aren't quite ready. This is where the broadened definition of sex comes into play. You may not be open to intercourse, but you might be open to grabbing your partner's hand or talking dirty to them while they masturbate.

Make the effort more frequently than you feel the desire

To be honest, most of us don't prioritise sex as much as we claim to. We're occupied. We're exhausted. We're completely overwhelmed. (This is especially true now.) It's simple to put sex on the back burner.

As committed as I am to assisting my clients in accepting and honouring themselves exactly as they are, I also believe that sex involves active, continual effort. It may be necessary to try to get in the mood even if you are sleepy or lazy. Making an effort is an important aspect of demonstrating to our partners that we value them and their demands (as well as respecting ourselves and our needs).

It's also worth remembering that most people don't get the urge to have sex until they've already started doing something physical. Many of my customers tell me that they don't realise how much fun they had until the sex is ended. I forgot how much I enjoy sex. My advice is to try to engage in some form of physical contact at least twice as often as you want to have sex. If you find yourself in the mood, have some sex with your spouse! Even if you don't, having more touch in your relationship is beneficial.

The main line is that the work you and your partner are prepared to put forth to open yourselves to physical intimacy is far more essential than the number of times you have sex in a given week, month, or year. Having sex three times a week, every week isn't guaranteed to make you happy or sexually fulfilled. What makes you happy is knowing that your partner understands your requirements and that you're working together as a team to reach a happy medium?

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