Why is Dating Focused on the
Behaviour of Women and not Men?
The
advice related to dating, relationships and finding love given to women largely
fall into three categories.
1.
How to not attract emotionally unavailable men
Social
media is full of relationship advice to tell women that they are responsible for
their “healing”. These people advise what are the type of attachment,
co-dependency, and emotional wounds, and how to deal with unavailable and
narcissistic partners. Such advice goes on from patronising and manipulative,
to nuanced and compassionate. Some of this advice can be helpful, but much of
the advice is not.
One
example that is not helpful is the cliché that in order to find love, you must love
yourself first. Psychiatrist Dr Bruce Perry notes that in reality, it is not
possible to love yourself unless you have been loved, indicating that “the
capacity to love cannot happen in isolation”.
“Loving
yourself” is a value modern society has perpetuated to get ahead. Constant
self-improvement matters in a society focused on performance. It has made people
objects of improvement and optimisation. Neoliberalism has assumed that women’s
lives are formed by the deliberate choices for which they are only responsible.
Little to no attention is paid to the circumstances that restrict women’s
choices.
Being
responsible for self-love and self-healing only fosters the responsibility that
women should bear for their health, happiness, careers and relationships.
2.
How to get a man to commit
Women
are educated on how to gain a huge advantage over other women in the “battle”
to “get him to ask you out. For instance, dating coach Benjamin Daly tells his Instagram
followers of 500,000 that his book tells “the secret for getting any man
begging for commitment”.
Not
only are women encouraged to plan their dating moves, but they must also avoid making
men feel emasculated, with authors like him that encourage women to be feminine
and let men “lead”.
The
tactics supporting such advice are confusing. According to author Emily Brooks,
“We are told to do all the grunt work, but should wait for him to call.” It’s
okay to hustle at work but in your relationships.
3.
How to navigate toxic behaviours online
Online
dating, which can be positive in some aspects, is basically a minefield full of
toxic male behaviour.
This
behaviour fluctuates from rejection violence, where women are subjected to violence
when they turn down a man’s advances, to unwanted nude pictures, to more subtle
forms of destructive behaviour. These include love bombing, where men barrage
women with attention to gain control and breadcrumbing, where a person leads
someone on but does not commit to them.
Advice
on how to handle such behaviour is largely directed at women.
Why
are these trends a problem?
Modern
dating advice informs us that it is possible for women to fix themselves and
their relationships, thus, they should do it. This is particularly harmful
advice for the vulnerable women in our communities.
Telling
women to love themselves before going into a relationship is at best, ridiculous,
and at worst, cruel, particularly for those who had gone through mental
violence with sexual assault and domestic violence.
As
of 2021, 23% of women in Australia that is a total of 2.2 million women, had gone
through sexual assault, and women are eight times more likely than men to
experience sexual assault by their partner. The year 2020 was the most
dangerous year for domestic violence in Australia.
One
in six Australian women are a victim of sexual or physical violence who has
suffered it from a former or current partner.
Some
of the psychological effects of sexual, physical, and emotional violence are lowered
self-esteem and a diminished sense of self-worth. They make “self-love”
difficult.
Women
need safety more than dating advice
Teaching
women how to act effectively to toxic behaviour may help women cope, but it
doesn’t address the important issue in intimate interpersonal relationships and
that is safety.
Rather
than teaching women how to deal with the risk of dating abusive men, the
self-help industry should shift its focus on male behaviour – and not the
reactions of women to this behaviour. Women need safety more than advice.
We
need to redirect the focus to male behaviour
The
most important dating advice this “self-help industry” can tell the male
audience is to not harm the women around you.
Rather
than teaching women how to retort to dangerous dating behaviours, the self-help
industry should see what men are taught about dating and relationships. The
self-help industry can educate online dating app users on how they can avoid perpetuating
harassment, and sexual violence.
“Teaching”
women how to deal with the men they’re dating is not the ideal solution to the
problems related to modern dating and relationships.