What
dating is like for plus-size women?
· MARY
ROSE MADIGAN WRITES
She enjoys going out.
Although it doesn't exactly have the Sex And The City feel she had in mind (she
wears more Birkenstocks than heels), it has been crucial in helping her learn
to accept and embrace her plus-size figure.
Of course, developing
self-love must indeed come from the inside out, but in her experience, sometimes
you also need some positive reinforcement from the outside in addition to the
occasional fuckboy to call you hot — I know, I'm shallow, but I'm also being
honest.
She truly believed that
the surf brand Roxy was the high fashion when she was younger, used lipgloss
instead of lipstick, and believed that dating was just for slender girls.
According to her, you had a higher probability of falling in love or desire if
you were smaller.
In her defense, she grew
up in a time when being thin was fashionable. It was also before Ashley Graham modeled
for Dolce & Gabbana and before the body-positive movement gained
popularity. Instead, it was the time of Kelly Osborne's fat-shaming and Kate
Moss's heroin chic.
There were no "anybody
is a bikini body" hashtags or plus-size Instagram influencers. Hips and
curves were not praised at the time; rather, they were criticized.
Additionally, there weren't many plus-size female leads in romantic comedies.
Yes, there were a few, but they were by no means the norm, and they undoubtedly
had an effect on how I felt about myself.
She believes that she
would have felt very differently about her body if there had been more
representation at the time, but the environment around her was telling her that
she was the witty best friend, not the seductive female lead. For a very long
period, she believed that.
She doesn't recall having
a particularly aha moment, but sometime in her early twenties, she decided to
rewrite her own story. Although she was wearing secondhand rather than luxury clothing,
she was going to play the lead in my romantic comedy. Regardless of the size of
her pants, there was still going to be romance. She was resolved to quit seeing
her size as an excuse.
She concluded that she
needed to start dating. She mentions putting the applications on her phone and
aggressively hunting for love. She had lovers and hookups in the past, but only
through shared acquaintances or professional contacts. She never really
ventured out into the world, especially not on apps where you are first only
evaluated based on your appearance.
Since her stomach wasn't
flat, she believed that the only way she could win someone over was via her
personality. It also seemed very overwhelming to use images of herself to
attract guys. She started the dating scene hesitantly, uncertain, fearful, and
concerned that she wouldn't find any matches. Keep in mind that this was before
everyone had access to Tinder. The dating scene was being overtaken by dating
apps at the time.
People continued to make
up stories about how they met their boyfriends outside of dating apps. She
remained adamant despite the stigma (and maybe also a little bit horny). She
was almost immediately taken aback by the number of matches, messages, and
requests for coffee or a drink that she received from males. Although she
wasn't very thin, she quickly realized that most men were still quite
interested in her.
She received a lot of
attention, and that attention carried over into the real world of dating. She
also believes it's necessary to point out that she isn't awe-inspiringly
attractive. She merely looks like a typical woman with belly fat, yet men were
still crazy over her. Suddenly, she discovered herself dating a variety of men,
from builders to lawyers, and meeting them in bars, going on sushi dates, and
drinking coffee. That was thrilling.
All of a sudden, she was
exposing herself to a vast array of new experiences and guys. She was no longer
categorizing and excluding herself, and she thought the whole thing was just
beautiful. Who doesn't enjoy discovering their inherent beauty? Although you
may never have a flat tummy, men like you because you're entertaining and
attractive.
She won't pretend that
going on a few dates magically removed all of her body-related issues, but it
was a significant factor in her realizing how much she loved and valued her
body. She was after all meeting men who admired or even loved her body. It also
gave her a completely new perspective on her body.
Now, in a feminist
utopia, dating a few men wouldn't affect a woman's self-worth. She ought to
have been able to love herself enough to learn to appreciate her body, but
guess what? ANYTHING WORKS! She was a young woman seeking acceptance and a way
to understand herself.
Yes, it could have been
more amazing of her if I had discovered it while listening to feminist speakers
rather than when out on dates with guys who texted with the letter
"z" rather than "s." But it was only that moment in her
life and in time.
She required another
person to affirm who she was, what she offered, and to make her feel
attractive. She was no longer as critical of herself in the mirror. She was
taught to recognize her beauty by the mirror that others could perceive.