How love is different from fantasy? Real love builds through action, not imagination. Here's how to tell if it's lasting—or just a dream.
Might sound like a romantic dilemma—but it’s a real emotional trap many fall into. Especially in the age of curated relationships and “ideal” partners seen on Instagram or K-Dramas, it’s easy to mistake infatuation for something deeper.
This article breaks down the difference between love and fantasy—so you don’t waste years loving someone who only exists in your head.
What is fantasy in relationships?
Fantasy is built on projection. It’s what you imagine someone is—not what they’ve shown you. It’s thinking:
- “They didn’t mean to ghost me—they’re just busy.”
- “Once they open up, we’ll be perfect together.”
- “They just need time—they’re secretly everything I want.”
Fantasy is future-focused. It thrives on “what if” and ignores “what is.”
What is real love?
Love shows up in reality. It’s not perfect—but it’s present.
- They listen and follow through.
- You feel emotionally safe, not anxious.
- There’s growth, not just chemistry.
Love isn’t about intensity. It’s about consistency.
Key differences between love and fantasy
| Fantasy | Love |
|---|---|
| Built in your head | Built with both people present |
| Obsessed with potential | Accepts reality (flaws and all) |
| Idealises the person | Sees the whole person |
| Chases emotional highs | Finds peace in presence |
Why fantasy love feels so addictive
Because it’s safe. You control the narrative. There’s no rejection, just hope. And our brains love dopamine hits—especially when we think we’ve “found the one.”
- It lets us avoid vulnerability.
- We romanticise pain and confusion as “passion.”
- We chase the illusion of love, not the reality of connection.
Fantasy is easy. Love is work. But love is real—and it lasts.
How to tell if you're in love—or just in fantasy
- Do they show up consistently—or just say the right things?
- Can you talk about hard stuff—or do you avoid conflict?
- Do you love them—or who they could be?
- Are your needs met—or are you always waiting for them to change?
Truth test: If the relationship only exists in your imagination or on text—it’s probably fantasy.
Common fantasy red flags
- You’re always explaining their behaviour to your friends
- You feel anxious more than safe
- You imagine your future with them—but can’t enjoy your present
- You ignore obvious signs they’re not invested
Real love builds slow—but strong
If someone shows up, communicates, respects your boundaries, and grows with you—that’s love. Even if there’s no fireworks, it’s real.
Love might feel boring at times. That’s okay. Boring is safe. Fantasy is dramatic. But drama doesn’t last. It burns fast, and you’re left alone.
Need help recognising real love?
What therapists say about fantasy bonding
- Fantasy bonding is when people mistake emotional intensity for real intimacy (Dr. Robert Firestone)
- Attachment theory shows people with anxious styles are more likely to fall into fantasy relationships
- 70% of clients in toxic relationships report “but I saw their potential” as the reason they stayed (Psychology Today, 2024)
How to shift from fantasy to real love
- Be present. Notice how you feel around them—not just how you think about them.
- Stop waiting for them to change. Accept who they are, now.
- Ask: “Am I in love with this person—or the idea of them?”
Love can’t grow in illusion. Let go of who they could be, and you’ll create space for someone who already is.
More from IChhori’s real relationship series
How love is different from fantasy isn’t about being cynical—it’s about being clear. Real love grows with presence, honesty, and choice. Fantasy fades. Choose real.